Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Snog Marry Avoid?

Snog marry avoid seems to regard itself as a major innovation in the mind numbing genre of ‘the make over show’. It offers its participants a ‘make-under’: a radical life changing opportunity for them to see themselves without make up . The show has one simple message; too much slap and you’re a slapper. The participants are largely female, though men are also occaisionally featured,  so that when anybody dares point out that the whole thing might be a little bit sexist they can reel them out and say ‘no way, look we picked on some men too’.  The participants are made to stand infront of ‘Pod’, a cheap looking computer graphic which looks like a giant mechanical talking clitoris.  

Pod tells them that they look ridiculous with a lot of make up on, and the point is duly emphasised by Vox Pops men in the street, who decide whether they would 'snog' 'marry' or 'avoid'.  In this weeks episode, a barbiefied EMO kid is told that her bright make up makes her look stupid, and men are encouraged to call another woman 'cheap'. The 'make unders' inevitably dress the women to fit a fairly bland ideal which impresses the men in the street. To add to the hypocrisy of the proceedings the presenter herself is caked in make up, it's not so much about going without make up, as wearing 'natural look' make up. Once again television mistakes sexist nonsense for emancipation. 

Probably too long and not really enough of a review for my application form, I thought I would publish this here anyway in response to some guardian tit writing a tenuous piece in praise of Snog Marry Avoid

Been trying to think up some kind of male version, say...
'How much of a cock is this guy?'*
It would involve men parading about, acting agressively or like sexist gits, and then women get to rate them on a 'cock-ometer'. They would also be ridiculed by a talking camera. Hell you could even have a celebrity one, with awards for Celebrity Cock of the year, finally giving Jeremy Clarkson and John McCirirck a good reason to be on TV. 

Incase you were wondering, yes, this is what you get if you type 'cockometer' into google images.
It also looks like Jeremy Clarkson has something on Top Gear called a 'cockometer', hopefully he won't get too close to it himself or it might just explode..

* Even as I type this I worry i am being too mean, proving that I have much more of a soul than anyone involved in 'snog marry avoid'

Friday, May 1, 2009


Settled down to watch some random bits of nonsense on the idiot-box, and remembered how much television makes me want to rip my own eyes out. 

First I watched Marcus Brigstocke chat to a Tory MP on 'I've never seen Star Wars'. I usually like Marcus Brigstocke, he's kind of like a cuddly Louis Theroux, a poor girls Louis if you will - except of course, he's not. Like anyone in the media he is public schooled, and there was something galling about watching him all pally with David Davis, like - however left wing he might be, Marcus has more in common with David Davis than he does with me. 

Then I decided to see what else was on iplayer. I decided against 'Kirsten's topless ambition' the first few minutes of which was like watching my soul die. I am young enough to remember Kirsten as one of the presenters of my childhood, filling the space before The Simpsons with something less annoying than whatever was on CITV. I don't want to see her 'investigate' boosting her career by going topless. I don't want her to make light of sexism from her comfortable position as a middling tv person, and I don't want her to even think about getting her boobs out. 

Instead I watched snog marry avoid. I'm not sure why, maybe I hate myself today. I'm not sure how this sort of stuff gets on television. The point of it all is to make girls look less 'fake'. I know I'm pointing out the obvious here, I know all this stuff is crap but still, I mean it's there isn't it - it exists. Someone gets paid to smear this excrement into people's consciousness. Probably more than two people. 

I watched it most of the way through. It can't be bothered to rant about it because it's just too obvious why it is so bad. 

I never particularly wanted to be the sort of person that 'doesn't have TV' but you, television - you drove me to it.